Bring on the Castor Oil!

I've heard that when people experience incredible levels of pain the body will go to great lengths of unconsciousness as a way of blocking out such affliction. Though I've never had the opportunity to experience third world torture tactics to test such a theory or make a viable comparison between flagellation and kneecapping, I have now joined the labor and delivery club and can state with authority that labor is like a hefty flogging from the ribcage to the genitals. (Refer to the previously posted pinterest icon.)

It was August 21, 2012. I woke up at 5 AM feeling both enormous and slightly damp. Had I peed myself again? It was the second day of school and, like any amazingly awesome teacher, I went to school to educate the youth of America... until lunch time. I called the Charleston Birth Place and told them that I believed I was leaking.

Midwife: "You need to come in right away."

Me: "Can I come in at 3:30?"

Midwife: "No. You need to come here right now."
 
By 12:30 I was drinking a delightful castor oil concoction sure to get this baby out within a 24 hour period.

Here is the midwifery potion for the
Miracle Baby Birthing Elixir:

2 ounces of castor oil

4 Tbsp Almond Butter

3/4 cup Apricot Nectar (found in the Hispanic aisle)

3/4 cup Champagne

Blend and drink.

Tastes okay the first time.

Tastes awful coming back up.

(You may want to get enough materials for two servings)

The second shake will taste like bad memories, but will do the job.

My first contraction occurred at 7:42PM, we got to the Charleston Birth Place at 9:04PM, and my baby was born at 9:59PM. Though I was fully conscious and aware of my turmoil, I think there were times when my mind compartmentalized the heinousness and hid those memories deep within my psyche. I'm hoping to find them before making future decisions to procreate.

This is what I recall in those two hours:

-Attempting to channel all that I learned in my Birthing from Within class and breathing like an angry rhinoceros.

-My husband drove the speed limit for the first time EVER due to the scary super trooper on the highway and my pleas to not get pulled over. (Who's going to argue with an angry rhino?)

-Saying to the midwife, "Get it out." and "I'm never doing this again." She gave me a look of amusement and responded, "See you in a few years." 

-Watching the clock and thinking I should get a discount if I have this baby in less than an hour.

I do not recall using my lavender aromatherapy, the birthing play list on my ipod, or the color of mood lighting, as specified in my birth plan. I know they told me my nurse's name, but I don't remember it. I don't remember most of the pain as it happened (but my ribs hurt for days and I couldn't walk for a week). And half the things I packed I didn't use. Overall, I'd say I was fairly lucky that I didn't have much time to think about my birth plan or what was happening to my undercarriage.

We left the Birth Place at 4AM looking for an open Taco Bell and looking forward to a new life with our cute*, little addition.

*cute- the most adorable baby that's ever been born. ever.