Pregnancy: The unmentionables no one chose to mention.

Pregnancy: The unmentionables no one chose to mention. 

Hollywood and pinterest have totally glorified pregnancy to be nothing but adorable baby bump pictures and Dr. Seuss parties. It isn't so. I recently read an article in a pregnancy magazine about other delightful pregnancy side effects such as hemorrhoids, infections, gestational diabetes, and the dreaded kankle. Still, I feel like the article was inadequate and women have failed to warn the childless what pregnancy really has to offer.

1. Pheromones

Pheromone: "a secreted or excreted chemical factor that triggers a social response in members of the same species. Pheromones are chemicals capable of acting outside the body of the secreting individual to impact the behavior of the receiving individual." -Wikipedia, a very reliable source.

According to the hippy midwife at the birthing center, pheromones are affecting my husband and, as a result, he likes me more. Not only can I get away with acting like a crazy, but he no longer protests when I alternate dipping popcorn in to mustard and chocolate sauce. (A delicious treat, by the way.) Due to this hormonal trickery, he has also recently purchased an expensive Gender Reveal Test and a fetal heart monitor, watched several episodes of the Gilmore Girls, and has given up drinking. Just kidding. He hasn't given up drinking, but rather has concocted a new beverage he dubbed "The Tolerator".

Regardless, I can tell he likes me more despite my whale like appearance... and I'm banking on those pheromones to kick in when he comes home and realizes I just ate all the good jelly beans out of his Easter basket.

 2. How to tell 6th, 7th, and 8th graders that you're now an incubator and a teacher.

During my first year of teaching, to my first husband, in my first year a marriage, a little boy raised his hand and asked,
"You gonna have a baby?"
 "Um, no. Let's stay on topic."
 "She looook pregnant. I can tell. You not fat yet, but its your face."

I found out the following weekend that I was pregnant and after having a miscarriage the same child said to me, "Yer baby dead, huh?"

Children are odd little creatures with unusual pregnancy detection tentacles. This year, my students asked me right away. A seventh grader came up to me, put her hand on my belly and asked, "Is there a baby in there?" While other classes just flat out asked me in front of everyone, "You pregnant?" "Why you wearing big clothes?"

None of the students bought the lie, "I've been eating too many sloppy joes at lunch."

So after a few weeks I told them.  

6th Grade Response:
Several hand drawn pictures of Baby S put on my desk each week by a variety of cute little girls. One was a little monster baby with fangs saying, "I'm a cute monster baby! Rawr!!!!" One day I told them to stand silent in line or Baby S would cry. They were silent. I love sixth grade.  

7th Grade Response:
"Mrs. Stengel! You can NOT move that stack of books! Let me do it." "You can NOT pick up papers on the floor. You can't bend over like that; you'll squish that baby."  

8th Grade Response:
A little too much teacher belly fondling from the girls followed by a list of 8th grade approved baby names: Emily, Na'Talya, Tania, Francis Marion...

And too many questions They asked if it was black even though they know what Shannon looks like.

They also asked me if I wanted to get "knocked up". When I said "Yes, I wanted to have a baby. Knocked up is typically a term used when people accidentally get pregnant, so I'm not knocked up. Let's not use that term." Which led me to the conclusion that we have a generation of students confused about artificial insemination, because as one girl stated, "I thought all kids were accidents unless the mom went to the doctor to get a baby put in her???"...and back to learning about the Civil War.

I also overheard the following statements from one particular darling child:
In response to getting homework: "Oh wow, ain't my fault you got knocked up"
In response to telling the class to quiet down: "She need to get laid"
Randomly yelled out several times during a lesson: "Dirty Whore!"
It was difficult not to stop and tell him that such comments contradict.  

3. Ridiculous Comments/Sassy Responses
After completing this nine month adventure, I'm going to write a guide to pregnancy. However, my guide will actually contain pertinent information all pregnant women need to know. That is, sassy responses to ridiculous comments.

 "So, was it planned?" No, this baby was an accident, but I'm keeping it anyway so that I can blame all my future failures on my mistake child.

 "I feel so bad drinking in front of you." Oh, don't feel bad. I just smoked a joint.

 "You're gonna get it circumcised, right?" Unless you're a pedophile, my baby's genitals really aren't your concern.

Random strangers awkwardly molesting your belly saying, "When are you due?" Um, not sure what you're talking about. I'm just fat.

 "You're going to (insert hospital). You're really brave" So, you think I'm going to die? Excellent. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

 "Water birth seems so nasty." Um, from what I've heard, all birth is pretty messy.

  4. The importance of the baby nursery and baby shower
Due to pinterest it is now an inconceivable idea that a mother-to-be would not have a themed baby shower. With so many great ideas being pinned at record speed, women are now planning pregnancies just to have the cute themed shower. How does a girl choose between owls and zebras and circus acts? Not only is the shower important, but the coordination of the shower with the baby nursery is essential for decorating technique. There are just so many creative ideas, how does one choose? Is the world map wall decal going to make my baby more intelligent? Will pastels and stuffed lambs make my baby more calm? Is green really the new pink?!

Between this, painting a wall with organic, homemade chalk paint, and utilizing empty cottage cheese containers for more bathroom storage, how will I ever find time to grow a human?!