Libya: Solving world problems one day at a time.

Libya: Solving world problems one day at a time.

Unless you’ve been hiding within the narcissistic realm of social media, you’ve heard that Libya has followed Tunisia and Egypt in to the world of civil unrest. Copycats. Most Americans would shrug and reflect saying something profound like, “Yep, Libya. Is that nexta France? I once had a dog named Libby. Loved that dog.”

But according to Hardball with Chris Matthews, now is not the time to lounge around complaining about the cost of gas for your highly necessary diesel Hummer or yet another Skippy peanut butter recall; it is the time to put our humanitarian efforts on high blast and purchase a t-shirt demanding, “Save Libya”.

The United States has been contemplating which actions should be taken in dealing with the Quaddafi, the leader of Libya. Should Libyan rebels receive international support supplying them with ammunition, weapons, or humanitarian supplies? Should the US institute a No-Fly zone or place an embargo on Libyan oil exports? Should we call James Bond? All of these questions have evidently stumped the politians of Washington, the great thinkers of our country.

Never fear. There are several alternatives to brute force, armament, and higher oil prices that the brains of DC have overlooked.

Send in the Clowns

He has “a different constitution, a different brain, a different heart.” As he once proclaimed, “I got tiger blood.” He’s Charlie Sheen and he is tired of pretending he’s not special. He has a 100% success rate at everything except AA and rehab, but he’s a winner none the less. In Libya he can utilize his “big warlock brain” to devise a conquest plan and deliver the message to Quaddafi “with a sense of violent love.” Most importantly, he’s used to “dealing with fools and trolls and soft targets. It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee.” Ma Salama Charlie, take your dirty underwear and your tiger blood with you.

Crash Their Economy

The streets of Libya are crowded, loud, and cut throat; the bankers of Wall Street should feel right at home. Perhaps the collapse of the Libyan housing market, financial crisis, and poverty stricken citizens looking for cheap wheat and sugar would force Quaddafi to quit. Then they can build their fortune on the backs of the Libyans and give the Americans a break.

Exile the Underachievers

Save the children of the United States and send Libya the ineffective teachers that were unable to reverse the effects of poverty and years of bad parenting. In fact, give the teachers miniscule funds, no parent support, forty illiterate Libyan gang toddlers, and they’ll still teach them to speak English well enough to communicate with the monolingual, egocentric American people. Unfortunately, this is not on the standardized test, and, therefore, an epic failure.

At the very least, send in Lindsay Lohan. She can steal their oil.