Pregnant Lady To Do List

Last night's evening news ingeniously reported that "summer can be a difficult season for pregnant women." Now there's a news flash. Not only has every sales clerk, check out lane bagger, waitress, and random stranger encountered at the local Walmart made that same observation, but I am also alive and able to notice the temperature and humidity.

"Wow, it's a rough time to be pregnant. August is a horrible month to have a baby. Did you plan it that way?" -Babies R Us Lady.

Never fear. As any thoughtful pregnant lady would do, I put together a list of doctor approved* activities for all the stupid women that dared to have a baby in the heat of the summer, myself included.

Pregnant Lady To Do List

1.  Go to your local, air conditioned gym and find the bench press area. Leave the bar completely weightless and ask the grunting, sweaty, ripped sleeved t-shirt meat head, the one that stared at you condescendingly upon entrance, to spot you. After one press, give him a high five and leave.

2. When approached by a random that has taken it upon him or her self to offer unsolicited advice, simply state, "You think I'm pregnant? I thought I just ate too many cheetos! Quick, do you have a pregnancy test!"

3. Order two pieces of cake and two beverages. Alternate bites and sips while saying, "One for me. One for baby. One for me..."

4. Take your cooler of O'Douls to a nearby beach and sport your belly for the world to see. Bring sun screen; bigger bellies can burn somethin' fierce!

5. My husband accused me of sitting around all day and doing nothing but watching TV. . . not true! But should a really great sitcom marathon come on, I just may do that. Bring on the Gilmore Girls and a bag of chips! Get yourself a crystal bell and yell your husband's name in a British accent every time you need something; you're growing a human and deserve some assistance.

6. Eat a chocolate bar while pinning your amazingly taut after baby body on pinterest. ... then go make the 3 dozen different desserts, organize your garage, reuse various condiment bottles, learn to braid, and spray paint some random toy dinosaurs and put a plant in them.

7. Start a blog and talk to yourself and the great cyber abyss of the world daily. :)

*These activities were not approved by any doctor. That was a lie. I do have a masters degree, so they are only approved by a history master and therefore should not be taken seriously. Proceed at your own risk.

That should cover about seven days of summer. If you have great ideas to fill my next two months of unemployed, womb growing, pregnant time leave your ideas in the comments section. It'll be appreciated.