Internet Dating

I will admit, I’ve experienced a moment of insanity. For a brief three-month stint, I partook in the world of internet dating. After strategically developing my profile and specifically itemizing my list of mate qualifications (see below), eHarmony not so tenderly informed me, “There are currently no matches at this time.”

After claiming that thousands of interesting singles were members of their site, I was unmatchable. “Wow, I must be really special or incredibly unattractive,” I thought.   Then the browser refreshed and 1437 matches were found within a 60 mile radius. I came to the harsh realization that I was not only indistinctive, but that I could be easily paired with Farmer Jon MacDonald, Sir Steroids with a profile of nudity (not complaining!), Dr. Potent Divorcee with children my age, Homey G complete with shades and zuit suit, and let’s not forget Spock. Spock wasn’t an option as I was jealous of his eyebrows. I had a diverse buffet bar of selections; I knew I’d need an assistant!

I believe that anyone that puts themselves on the internet, be it blog, linked in, facebook, or a forum comment, is deserving of criticism, myself included. That said, my lovely assistant (my mom) and I spent several evenings enjoying wine and eharmony, while my father scolded us on how horrible we were. The immediate deletion of any potential lover was determined by the following characteristics (in order of importance):

1.       Looks. One picture containing a dead animal or the portrayal of arrogance could mean deletion.
2.       Height. A deal breaker if shorter than 6ft. Not a deal breaker if they were shorter than 4’10”. I always did have a thing for Doc, Dopey, and Danny DeVito.
3.       Career. Dancers, tree frog breeders, and clowns need not apply.

If a profile made it through the first round, then we’d actually read the profile. Then, with the use of a handy dandy mate qualifications list and a complicated points system, we narrowed down the search…

Extensive Mate Qualification List

1.       Taller than a mail box and thinner than an Escalade.

2.       The man, as well as any offspring, must not resemble feral hogs, Jonbenet Ramsey, or any character from the movie The Dark Crystal.

3.       Their profile does not claim that their BFF is Jesus or that their favorite book is a Linux programming guide. 

4.       Less dim-witted than the average politician, more dim-witted that Christopher Langan, and preferably more knowledgeable than me in the areas of mechanics, sports, and finances.

5.       They look, act, sound, and feel like a man. Toolboxes, golf clubs, and baseball hats are sexier than many other accessories, even shell necklaces. 

…when it was all said and done, I concluded that eharmony’s initial evaluation was correct: there are no matches at this time.