Where $5 Can REALLY Make You Holler

Due to the great recession, shopping at the local thrift store has become an increasingly popular hobby amongst middle class ladies. While the wealthy women discuss saving Africa as they receive their daily keratin hair treatment and the poor loaf around the mall with their Obama phones pokin’ outta their bras, the middle class women of America are fighting the effects of governmental budgetary incompetence with “vintage” apparel, internet dating, and satisfying their material needs with pinterest dreams. 

Thrifting takes a certain amount of skill, which most middle class women have previously obtained from their versatile, liberal arts education. Liberal Arts graduates have more than just extensive student loans. They have also obtained analytical skills and problem solving abilities, as well as interpersonal skills and the ability to communicate effectively. 

“How can I turn this porcelain clown bust in to a fantastic dining room light fixture? …I’m like totally gonna instagram and share this spray painted ceramic bunny bookend I made to see how many repins I get by the end of the day!”

That degree may not land you a job, but you can write a killer eharmony profile and you can work those pre-worn designers long enough to get unlimited Olive Garden breadsticks and, if you’re lucky, some Waffle House! Work it, guurl! 

Walking in to a disorderly thrift store abruptly triggers the left side of my brain and I want to begin straightening things like some sort of thrift store Rain Man. Self control then triggers the awesome side of my brain and I begin a creative treasure hunt.“OoOh! I could totally turn this portable urinal in to a fantastic gravy boat!”  

It’s so overwhelming that I typically start to pace the tchotchke section quickly in fear that some geriatric will snatch up something amazing… like a plated brass cat… or a device that can be fashioned in to a cake stand and covered in chalk board paint.

Thrifting through clothing requires a completely different set of skills. It’s a lot like dating. I have to consider previous owners, stains, things that don’t fit properly, and, of course, venereal diseases. It can be a little frustrating at times, because the option doesn’t come in a different size or color. It is an “as is”, take it or leave it, their mother should’ve stopped nursing them sooner kind of thing. Then, usually on a day of weakness, I find an item whose smell has a tolerable mixture of dust and urine and I settle.

Once while combing the racks I found a great blazer. It wasn’t an amazing brand, but it looked okay and had a 401K. I thought, “This blazer will totally increase my economic status,” so I brought it home and hung in it my closet. I wore it out a few times and my friends were all, “Oh my god, I love that blazer! Where can I find a blazer like that? ” And I was all, “You can’t. [smug smile] I assaulted a geriatric to get this blazer.” Shortly thereafter, the blazer became too habitual, too comfortable and, worse of all, it started to feel a little tight. Fraudulent love will make you fat.

Finding someone on the internet that will be your thrift store side kick but have enough money to support an occasional keratin hair treatment and a smart phone to stick in your bra is an excellent option for finding true happiness when the country is going to shit…someone that will pay those liberal arts education student loans and also support you when you decide to go to massage therapy school…someone that doesn’t smell like dust and urine. So set those standards high, middle class ladies, and next time vote republican.