Where $5 Can REALLY Make You Holler

Due to the great recession, shopping at the local thrift store has become an increasingly popular hobby amongst middle class ladies. While the wealthy women discuss saving Africa as they receive their daily keratin hair treatment and the poor loaf around the mall with their Obama phones pokin’ outta their bras, the middle class women of America are fighting the effects of governmental budgetary incompetence with “vintage” apparel, internet dating, and satisfying their material needs with pinterest dreams. 

Thrifting takes a certain amount of skill, which most middle class women have previously obtained from their versatile, liberal arts education. Liberal Arts graduates have more than just extensive student loans. They have also obtained analytical skills and problem solving abilities, as well as interpersonal skills and the ability to communicate effectively. 

“How can I turn this porcelain clown bust in to a fantastic dining room light fixture? …I’m like totally gonna instagram and share this spray painted ceramic bunny bookend I made to see how many repins I get by the end of the day!”

That degree may not land you a job, but you can write a killer eharmony profile and you can work those pre-worn designers long enough to get unlimited Olive Garden breadsticks and, if you’re lucky, some Waffle House! Work it, guurl! 

Walking in to a disorderly thrift store abruptly triggers the left side of my brain and I want to begin straightening things like some sort of thrift store Rain Man. Self control then triggers the awesome side of my brain and I begin a creative treasure hunt.“OoOh! I could totally turn this portable urinal in to a fantastic gravy boat!”  

It’s so overwhelming that I typically start to pace the tchotchke section quickly in fear that some geriatric will snatch up something amazing… like a plated brass cat… or a device that can be fashioned in to a cake stand and covered in chalk board paint.

Thrifting through clothing requires a completely different set of skills. It’s a lot like dating. I have to consider previous owners, stains, things that don’t fit properly, and, of course, venereal diseases. It can be a little frustrating at times, because the option doesn’t come in a different size or color. It is an “as is”, take it or leave it, their mother should’ve stopped nursing them sooner kind of thing. Then, usually on a day of weakness, I find an item whose smell has a tolerable mixture of dust and urine and I settle.

Once while combing the racks I found a great blazer. It wasn’t an amazing brand, but it looked okay and had a 401K. I thought, “This blazer will totally increase my economic status,” so I brought it home and hung in it my closet. I wore it out a few times and my friends were all, “Oh my god, I love that blazer! Where can I find a blazer like that? ” And I was all, “You can’t. [smug smile] I assaulted a geriatric to get this blazer.” Shortly thereafter, the blazer became too habitual, too comfortable and, worse of all, it started to feel a little tight. Fraudulent love will make you fat.

Finding someone on the internet that will be your thrift store side kick but have enough money to support an occasional keratin hair treatment and a smart phone to stick in your bra is an excellent option for finding true happiness when the country is going to shit…someone that will pay those liberal arts education student loans and also support you when you decide to go to massage therapy school…someone that doesn’t smell like dust and urine. So set those standards high, middle class ladies, and next time vote republican.

Internet Dating

I will admit, I’ve experienced a moment of insanity. For a brief three-month stint, I partook in the world of internet dating. After strategically developing my profile and specifically itemizing my list of mate qualifications (see below), eHarmony not so tenderly informed me, “There are currently no matches at this time.”

After claiming that thousands of interesting singles were members of their site, I was unmatchable. “Wow, I must be really special or incredibly unattractive,” I thought.   Then the browser refreshed and 1437 matches were found within a 60 mile radius. I came to the harsh realization that I was not only indistinctive, but that I could be easily paired with Farmer Jon MacDonald, Sir Steroids with a profile of nudity (not complaining!), Dr. Potent Divorcee with children my age, Homey G complete with shades and zuit suit, and let’s not forget Spock. Spock wasn’t an option as I was jealous of his eyebrows. I had a diverse buffet bar of selections; I knew I’d need an assistant!

I believe that anyone that puts themselves on the internet, be it blog, linked in, facebook, or a forum comment, is deserving of criticism, myself included. That said, my lovely assistant (my mom) and I spent several evenings enjoying wine and eharmony, while my father scolded us on how horrible we were. The immediate deletion of any potential lover was determined by the following characteristics (in order of importance):

1.       Looks. One picture containing a dead animal or the portrayal of arrogance could mean deletion.
2.       Height. A deal breaker if shorter than 6ft. Not a deal breaker if they were shorter than 4’10”. I always did have a thing for Doc, Dopey, and Danny DeVito.
3.       Career. Dancers, tree frog breeders, and clowns need not apply.

If a profile made it through the first round, then we’d actually read the profile. Then, with the use of a handy dandy mate qualifications list and a complicated points system, we narrowed down the search…

Extensive Mate Qualification List

1.       Taller than a mail box and thinner than an Escalade.

2.       The man, as well as any offspring, must not resemble feral hogs, Jonbenet Ramsey, or any character from the movie The Dark Crystal.

3.       Their profile does not claim that their BFF is Jesus or that their favorite book is a Linux programming guide. 

4.       Less dim-witted than the average politician, more dim-witted that Christopher Langan, and preferably more knowledgeable than me in the areas of mechanics, sports, and finances.

5.       They look, act, sound, and feel like a man. Toolboxes, golf clubs, and baseball hats are sexier than many other accessories, even shell necklaces. 

…when it was all said and done, I concluded that eharmony’s initial evaluation was correct: there are no matches at this time.

Ten Relationships That Are Not Worth Your Time

Ten Types of Relationships that are Not Worth Your Time

1.       The Tumultuous Relationship: Guys that break up with girls due to other potential flings don’t really like you. The truth is, they just don’t like being lonely. Get them a puppy and move on.

2.       The Silent Treatment:Text messages and other various forms of communication go unanswered for days. In a world of social media and iphones, if a guy really wants you he also wants to chat with you. Don't be that girl. Create an amazing new contact name for him, like "The Mute" or "Bashful".

3.       The Jane Doe: When your identification in his phone is covert, he might as well refer to you as booty call #1137. The same goes for a guy that has no intention of revealing your casual or blossoming relationship to his friends. If he doesn’t look at you and say to his friends, “Yeah, that’s her” then you might as well call him Short and Stumpy #666  and use him as back up when your battery dies.

4.       The Midnight Excursion: If the extent of a romantic evening with him consists of just an evening in, naked, with a potential trip to Ihop at midnight for nourishment, he’s probably not planning to take you to Sunday brunch with mom and dad the next morning. However, these nights can be especially exciting, just don’t get too attached and remember that “hanging out” and booty calls should never be ranked equally to dinner and a movie.

5.       The Guilt-Tripper: He doesn’t call. He doesn’t respond to text messages. He makes and breaks plans frequently and impersonally. Then, after you’ve determined that he’s been the victim of a natural disaster, he reappears and says, “Why are you so fickle? Don’t you like me anymore?”

6.       The relationship you are attempting to access is temporarily unavailable. The mention of any future plans involving anything from getting ice cream later to having 2.5 children and a golden retriever causes a temporary shutdown of all communication and sexual escapades. Remind him that you're only considering serious relationships with men that are actually good looking, interesting, funny, and with slightly more stamina than he can provide.

7.       The One Way Street: He calls you on every bad day to vent, but doesn’t reply when you need help in making an important life decision. Tip: Don’t make that life decision to accommodate this guy.

8.       The Cock Blocker: He doesn’t want a serious, committed relationship with you; the casual friends- with-benefits thing is working just fine. However, the very idea that you’d go on a date with someone that actually thinks you’re worth more than that of a blow up doll is out of the question and tends to prevent you from giving anyone else a chance.  Trust me; this guy is crazy to think you’d be cool with this stagnant relationship forever.

9.       The Invisible Man: He likes to hang out with you one-on-one (literally), but disappears when the opportunity to meet your friends or accompany you to a wedding occurs. Let him disappear and see if the cute best man is available.

10.   The Blue Light Special: He makes you feel cheap. It doesn't matter how he does it. If he makes you feel cheap, remember that you're more of a Tiffany's kind of girl and go hang out at the coffee shop near the local med school.